Unwell

Well, the much anticipated bout of dysentry I've been expecting appears to have finally hit.  It began last night with 'the cold sweats' and the stomach cramps.  I will spare you the detail.   I will say that this morning's ride into work was quite dicey with a couple of very close calls.  My fellow commuters have no idea how lucky they are or how near I came to 'treating' the carriage to an organic version of a Jackson Pollock   Nonetheless, made it I did, to work and promptly spent most of the morning in and out of the loo until I could stand it no longer.  So by 2:50 I had to leave.  The return journey was even more tricky, the virus having taken a vice-like grip, I could barely stand.  In fact I drew quite a few odd stares - none of concern, such is life in a paranoid city.  
It was nothing short of a late Christmas miracle that I made it to the bathroom at home (it was the longest climb ever up four flights) with nano seconds to spare and have pretty much camped out there since.

I only hope the resulting loss of a few stubborn kilos is the ultimate reward - though from the look of my distended stomach and knowing my luck it will be more a case of memento stretch marks. 

Onto a less unsavoury and more wistful subject, I saw a foxy loxy coming home the other night with The Lish.  He had been cowering in the doorway to the apartment building but darted out the moment it sensed our approach. Where it went we shall never know for it seemed to disappear.

I have long believed in animal symbolism, so I was at once pleased and on my guard on seeing this creature.  They are quite common in London, I don't know why or where the heck they live when they are not cowering in doorways - but I do know the fox, if you believe in this sort of thing, or I should say a sighting of one,  is supposed to serve as a reminder to feed the emotional needs of the child in you; to be playful and laugh at yourself as well as to watch out for tricky tricksters around you.

Given the last few weeks of mental torment (stress related) of one description or another, it is a timely and much appreciated reminder.
 
And now I must excuse my self as another timely reminder - this one not so appreciated and absolutely out of my control, twitches.

Pass the nappy rash cream.

Live to tell the tale

I don't want to jinx this, but I think I'm past the worst of what I can only call the recent mini nervous  'breakdown'.  I've always wondered what a breakdown feels like - a morbid curiosity I know but it's a bit like wondering what would happen if I stepped into the path of an oncoming train. That's the kind of curiosity that killed the cat and I don't think I'm ready to die.  But I do now understand how paralysing it can be.

The culmination of 3 years of bad planning and a negative mindset.  After the real drama of a mental breakdown which saw me turning to pills and being unable to interact with the most important person in my life - my Lish, I realise that I can't afford to make those mistakes again especially since I am far from out of the woods nor is the future any more secure than before.  In fact if anything, I'm in for a little bit more of a rough ride while I tame the pressures of work, flame the fun of motherhood and accept the reality of my domestic situation - which isn't ideal and doesn't look to abide any time soon.

Now, I could let negativity and moroseness rob me of my 40s (not to mention my looks and my sense of fun) or I can accept that this too shall pass and in the meantime, I am to live each day as it comes, appreciate the roof over my head, know that I'm not missing out on anything and ensure that I continue to be kind to myself, and others.

In doing that I've already realised that it's ok to take time out from being mum (in a positive way).  Today for instance I didn't go out with The Lish and her dad as I would normally do, because for the first time in ages I felt like staying in for reasons other than excruciating head or body aches.  Tomorrow for example I'm taking The Lish on a play date.  See it all balances out.  Instead of dreading and fearing separation from The Lish when she goes to Canada to visit her aunt, I'm off to do Yoga in the Canary Islands.  And I don't feel bad. I feel good.  It's also good practice for the future afterall the time will eventually come when I must be alone again.  Better learn the skills to cope now than at a time when you're too conditioned to know how to change.
 
You know, I still haven't worked out what the last few years of dead ends means.  Why Canada didn't work out? Why I had to break my foot on the eve of graduating Yoga school and why work has ended up being so incredibly stressful.  I can only imagine that one day it will all make sense .

I have not given up on my dreams, I am just waiting for that window of opportunity to come again.

Anyway, they say you need to get worse before you get better...well, to my earlier point (and in the hope I'm not in fact inviting a relapse) I do feel better today and strangely liberated by the whole unforgiving experience because I know now that everything (the good and the bad)eventually passes.  

Perhaps it's the blossoms on the trees, the fact that January is over,that I've made some social plans or that I have a holiday booked.  Perhaps it just that I'm no longer in any pain but hey who gives a monkeys - I'm doing good.  And that is a big deal.

I have that funny feeling again that I'm on the brink of a new beginning.  This time I'm gonna plan it right.  I also come prepared.  Giddy up.

Time out

After a long but positive meeting this morning at a client's offices, I parted ways with the head of department where I work who was on his way home to 'lock down' and get a report written and headed back to the underground to make my way into the office.  Filled with dread at the thought of having to plough through at least a hundred e-mails before I could even start on the 'to do' list, I could feel my blood pressure rise with every step.  But then, I stopped.  Looking at the big clock in the middle of the station, (I'd left my wristwatch in the bathroom) I asked myself...what's the hurry?  I need to eat. 

I bought a burger with chips and an orange juice - healthy no? and sat down to eat.  I didn't read, I didn't think, I just ate and looked at people coming and going.  It was nice. 

Then with a deep breath I stepped into the vortex, thankful that I am but one day away from the weekend.  I can't really tell you what else happened today - one task after another.  I will tell you that I got away at a reasonably decent hour and that I got home in time to see The Lish a little bit before beddy byes.  Small treats.  So you see taking time out for 20 minutes to just 'be' is the only thing that stands out about today (apart from my Lish's cheeky face beaming at me from the bath suds). 

I plan on doing more of that.

I'm also in less pain - the headaches have gone and while I'm still working on the pain in my right shoulder and arm (caused by overcompensating the left hand's mouse activity, that, plus a shit load of stress), I've made it a couple of days without pain killers.  This is progress.

As for the rest, I'm just taking it one day at a time.