I don't want to jinx this, but I think I'm past the worst of what I can only call the recent mini nervous 'breakdown'. I've always wondered what a breakdown feels like - a morbid curiosity I know but it's a bit like wondering what would happen if I stepped into the path of an oncoming train. That's the kind of curiosity that killed the cat and I don't think I'm ready to die. But I do now understand how paralysing it can be.
The culmination of 3 years of bad planning and a negative mindset. After the real drama of a mental breakdown which saw me turning to pills and being unable to interact with the most important person in my life - my Lish, I realise that I can't afford to make those mistakes again especially since I am far from out of the woods nor is the future any more secure than before. In fact if anything, I'm in for a little bit more of a rough ride while I tame the pressures of work, flame the fun of motherhood and accept the reality of my domestic situation - which isn't ideal and doesn't look to abide any time soon.
Now, I could let negativity and moroseness rob me of my 40s (not to mention my looks and my sense of fun) or I can accept that this too shall pass and in the meantime, I am to live each day as it comes, appreciate the roof over my head, know that I'm not missing out on anything and ensure that I continue to be kind to myself, and others.
In doing that I've already realised that it's ok to take time out from being mum (in a positive way). Today for instance I didn't go out with The Lish and her dad as I would normally do, because for the first time in ages I felt like staying in for reasons other than excruciating head or body aches. Tomorrow for example I'm taking The Lish on a play date. See it all balances out. Instead of dreading and fearing separation from The Lish when she goes to Canada to visit her aunt, I'm off to do Yoga in the Canary Islands. And I don't feel bad. I feel good. It's also good practice for the future afterall the time will eventually come when I must be alone again. Better learn the skills to cope now than at a time when you're too conditioned to know how to change.
You know, I still haven't worked out what the last few years of dead ends means. Why Canada didn't work out? Why I had to break my foot on the eve of graduating Yoga school and why work has ended up being so incredibly stressful. I can only imagine that one day it will all make sense .
I have not given up on my dreams, I am just waiting for that window of opportunity to come again.
Anyway, they say you need to get worse before you get better...well, to my earlier point (and in the hope I'm not in fact inviting a relapse) I do feel better today and strangely liberated by the whole unforgiving experience because I know now that everything (the good and the bad)eventually passes.
Perhaps it's the blossoms on the trees, the fact that January is over,that I've made some social plans or that I have a holiday booked. Perhaps it just that I'm no longer in any pain but hey who gives a monkeys - I'm doing good. And that is a big deal.
I have that funny feeling again that I'm on the brink of a new beginning. This time I'm gonna plan it right. I also come prepared. Giddy up.
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