DreamWeave

What's happening?

We’ve all had lucid dreams so I know you will relate.  I am compelled to commit this one to paper, so to speak because it was so incredibly powerful.  Now, I’ve had dreams that turned into premonitions, I’ve had dreams that were visits from lost loved ones  – I think we all have – and those in themselves are truly astounding experiences.  We have all also had those nonsensical ones that leave us over-tired and with a bad taste.  This one was different.

I woke with a start at what I imagine was around 5AM this morning, I couldn’t say for sure since I was too affected to even bother checking.  I remember the dream clearly.  I was visiting the city where a woman lived who in the dream plays my mother.  It certainly didn’t look or feel like her, but I knew this was who she was.  I was at an old, old family friend’s house; a girl I grew up with who was like a sister in that we fought like cats and dogs and we also shared baths as very young children.  I would always opt for the bubble-filled end of the tub while she preferred clear water.  I haven’t seen her in over 11 years. 

I remember her mother being in the dream too, playing herself – this one was not a stand-in like whoever was playing my mum.  She basically told me to go see my mum (for goodness sakes!) and funnily enough this was very much the character I remember growing up – quite a prickly woman but deep down had and has the most generous heart but most people either love or hate her and even those that love her can only take her in small doses.  We called her the Battle-Axe and I’m indebted to her for many things but mostly because she gave my mum a beautiful final resting place.

View from the cemetery where my dear mama rests in peace

I found the fact that I was being told to visit my mum odd because I had the most amazing relationship with her in life – now gone 24 years.  So even within this dream, while I was playing a role, I was also stepping out of that role to have those asides.  Nevertheless, I took this advice in the dream and even though it was very late and not really the safest time to go wandering the streets, I did leave my friend’s house to go see my mum.  I thought I’d surprise her and perhaps even climb into bed with her like I used to do as a child.  Again, it’s odd because in the dream it would suggest that I had somehow become estranged and hadn’t seen her in years.

In any event I make it to my mum’s flat.  It’s dark and I need to use the toilet and it’s while I am on the loo that another woman, butch but fit enters the bathroom to tell me basically I’m not supposed to be there.  I see my mum in the background who guessing I’d come to stay the night timidly informs me that she is sorry but she doesn’t have any spare towels.  I imagine this is her way of saying I can’t stay.  I get a feeling that in the time we’ve been estranged my mother has become gay and the butch but fit lady is her partner.

Mum was often told she looked like Gina Lollobrigida - there was a likeness. 

I do as I'm asked and leave, and it is at this time that I wake up with a start and feel the hot, plump tears of genuine sadness ooze down my face.  My whole face is wet with them and I cannot immediately stop.  I sit up and look around my empty - but for a slumbering cat – room where all I feel is an incredible melancholy.  I realise I still miss my mum so very much even though I’ve now been without her longer than I had her and I’m sure there are many out there who can relate.

What it also did was give me pause for thought that I must never allow a rift of that sort with my own daughter (fast asleep in the next room and unaware of my sorrow).  Apart from the fact that it would break my heart, I really don’t fancy the idea of lesbianism and I mean no offence by it, but it’s just not for me, I hope you understand.

I can relate some of that stuff to things in life – the spare towel is something I always put out for guests as a sort of welcome mat I now realise – even though they feel, I was told once, like 80 grade sandpaper (must get some new ones). 

I did also have a pint of K cider that evening.  7 pc proof – enough to provoke a nightmare nevermind a lucid dream.  I’m not sure why old family friends and the feeling of a rift, other than well, there is a rift between me and them at the moment that I’m not inclined to really make the first move around.  First world problem.  I may live to regret it but so far I’ve been fine with that decision.  Sometimes you have to take a stand when you feel strongly enough about it and I’ll leave it at that for the time being.

I made sure I gave The Lish the longest hug I could get away with later that same morning before she trotted off to school.

Oh and if I ever say I don't have any spare towels when you come round to mine, I guess you better make sure you know what time the last train is running.

Your guess is as good as mine...

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