Making Way for Life

Welcome back to me.  Summer delivered and now it's trying its best to leave the UK but feels bad, like a shitty husband who knows it's wrong to go so he does it in a long, lingery, painful sort of way - until one day he is gone but not before wreaking the most excruciating emotional destruction on his way out.  That is the winter I'm expecting because yesterday despite all the signs pointing to it being a wrap up day, I found myself having to slowly shed layers with each step, as trickles of back sweat began pooling around the elastic waistband of my nic nocs.

The big hard sun made a resplendent appearance instead, pretty much the whole day.  And it was wonderful. So much for Storm Gonzalo...where do they find these names?  

To say that a lot has happened since I last posted would be like saying Neville Chamberlain had a bit of an update from his meeting with Hitler in 1939.  But the gory details will need to wait until the dust has settled. Let's just say I find myself with a brand new status in life and have not yet felt the freedom or release that is meant to come with the end of something toxic.  The transition is proving more than a little difficult and I find myself relying more and more on the spirit side for peace of mind.  So much so that I dedicate an hour a night to meditating just to stay sane; to get through one more night. It does work.  I mean it helps, at least and I've received many insights in the clear abyss of a blank mind.  They are little things admittedly but they help to acknowledge either the pain or the ecstasy. Ideas come too and now I have the drive to see them through and for that in a perverse way I have to thank the situation I find myself in.  If some of these come to fruition, I will definitely be living "the dream" though much is to be said for the simple pleasure of sitting under a duvet with The Lish watching Edward Scissorhands.

This is not news but when shit goes down, you do really know who your mates are. I love the snot out of them for being there even in the smallest 2 line text once a fortnight sort of way.  Equally I would like to put the snot into a Boloni sandwich and serve it to those who have to all extent and purposes suddenly dropped off the earth. In the end however, it's up to me to make life work, not them or anyone really. To wish a snot sandwich on people that have in your eyes "let you down" is the action of a mediocre person and I've given my last minute to that type so I'm fairly keen to avoid become one myself.

This weekend will be huge for me - time to prove my mettle by doing the right thing and making way for life.  The glass is half full...with room for more of the good stuff.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

It's remarkable really that I should be so badly injured when it is I that begins every yoga class listing contra- indications and reinforcing the importance of never pushing past your limit.  Yoga is not aerobics I tell yoginis.  Yoga should be effortless - though done with effort (reassuringly mystical, I think you'll agree).  So you can imagine my frustration that 4 weeks after noticing the first symptoms of what I at first self diagnosed as rotator cuff issues,  I am now having to teach through the cosy cocoon of codeine, entirely unsure of what it is that is wrong.  Actually, let me clarify before I continue, I'm not having to do anything - it brings me immeasurable joy to teach yoga, painfully or otherwise.  Being spiritually inclined (you may have noticed) I truly believe that illness, unexplained or sudden onset of pain is a physical manifestation of something that began in the emotional realm.  And as the lucky recipient of the best psycho-therapy private medical can buy, I no longer have to rely just on the spiritual to understand (as opposed to have to trust - the spiritual is entirely founded on faith and trust) what could be at the root of it all.  In this case, after soothing silence of meditation, the answer came.  I am carrying the weight of the world around - a.k.a the stress of the uncertain.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my role where I work is currently at risk after a company reshuffle.  On it's own it really is no biggie - I know I can get a PR job without too much fuss if I had to.  No it wasn't just that.  Digging a little deeper I came to see that I'm also holding onto the pressure of general uncertainty.  What will I really do if I'm made redundant next week?  Do I stay in PR or do I go?  Do I throw myself into my passion and start working for myself?  And I have to be honest, I was worried The Silverback was having a mid-life wobble and could be "given to fly".  I made the mistake of putting on a brave face instead of bravely facing these uncertainties.  So for the past month, I've had the most excruciating pain running from the deepest part of my right shoulder girdle to the tips of my fingers on my right side.  I know the pressure points so the little muscle on the side body about 4 fingers down from your armpit was also very very sore.  Try it. Find that little knot of "muscle" on top of the first side rib and press...if it's sore...know that it's not muscle, it's pressure and you are not dealing with  external stress triggers properly (well that and that you're probably using your smartphone too much!!).

This absorbed, I took myself off for my weekly Jivamukti class - it's the only class per week I do that I'm not also teaching and braced myself for the almost intolerable pain in my right shoulder (tut tut - rule breaker that I am) when....nothing.  No shoulder or heart opening pose, no inversion could bring that now familiar sharp jabbing.  I even managed a forearm stand - which I can tell you is like opening up the patio doors for your shoulders.  Nothing.  I came home on a bit of a high but I am a seeker by nature.  I could have just blissfully accepted this and you know I really have but I like a side of insight with my epiphanies.  And then the penny finally dropped last night.  As I emptied a whole wall of books in preparation for a load of building work (yep, then there was the building work) and aware that school started again for kids (my kid) on Monday after 2 weeks off for Easter, I saw that my issue was I was not OK with uncertainty.  But here is the ridiculous thing about that:  uncertainty is the only certainty there is.  Giving myself permission to be OK with this finally released me.