Spoke too soon

Why, when I so know that thought precedes action, did I go and jinx myself by harping on about how great things were; how smoothly everything was going and how I needed it not to so I could have a few issues to keep me awake and deliver those oh so attractive dark circly bags under my eyes.  Yes, well it serves me right for not living in a simple attitude of gratitude - the result? I have just had one of the most stressful weeks this year - an I can tell you there have been some corkers since Christmas.  In fact it's been so bad, I think I will make sure I delete this week out of next year's calender.  I won't bore you with the detail but the pressure of it all has sent my antibodies packing.  I've ended up with a slight eye infection, bloated stomach, tension headaches and a feeling that in trying to do to much, I've ended up doing nothing at all.

Actually that's misleading  - it's the sheer amount of things I've had to do this week that had led to my current state of mania. I've been mummy, daddy, career woman, mediator, cleaner and property mogul all in the space of 4 days and I'm fucking exhausted.  I've said it before, if "having" it all means doing it all - I want no part of it.  My priority has to be The Lish and yet by allowing myself to get caught up in the business of life I really fear that her life will simply pass me by.  Next thing I know I'll be down to seeing her every other Christmas .  Oh god, what a depressing thought.

So here I am again, fretting about my decision to go back to work.  I see it two ways - I want to work (does that make me a bad mum?  well it hasn't exactly made me a good mum this week) and secondly, I want to provide for Lishy in the future be it to get to college or on the property ladder.  I want to leave her a legacy and that means accumulating wealth now before I'm too decrepit.   It's weird because as I write this, I can see immediately that none of this matters.  None of it.  What matters is finding peace of mind and being kind and loving.  So before I jerk that knee and jack in the job - I must come back to my truth.  I like working.  The Lish is doing great.  And yes - there will be weeks like this one when you just want to chop off your own head but ultimately I'm not doing too bad a job.

There is a balance, I know how it can be achieved and I need to work towards that goal.  So I'm going to employ the old thought precedes action by putting that thought into my head.  I will find the perfect balance.

I owe it to myself.  I owe it to The Lish.  And I always pay my debts.