I'm having works done at home. Nothing extravagant, just a few small improvements here and there but as I've come to realise, it's the small things that become the big things over time and indeed the small things together make one nice big thing. Still, small (or big) as they are, I'm feeling the strain and this morning I woke up with a small coldsore. I haven't had one in a couple of years - remarkable really when I think about the stress of last year. I can only conclude that I am better at dealing with avalanches than trickles. Actually this is possibly true for everyone after all you can't worry about stuff that's too huge to fathom right? Cos you just either go into shock or auto pilot. No it's the niggly little shit that seeps into spaces until eventually you can't walk for tripping. Huh. I'd never really seen it like that. Ok, so now I'm not feeling so overwhelmed, now that I've dismantled that. Clarity (of sorts) can be cool like that. It's one of the things the therapist I was seeing last year told me to demand of myself and others. Clarity. It avoids misunderstandings. Gosh, it's all so freaking obvious when you stop to think. His other tip was about spending time with myself which I now also understand to mean taking everything down a notch. Stopping to think for instance. Quiet time. I could do with a bit of thinking now that I
think about it as I've been feeling a little bit like something isn't quite right. It's why I have a pain down my right side, I'm convinced of that. The last time I had what I can only describe as a cloud of dread, I was visited by my mum in a dream who frankly looked sad for me. She was pushing a flight of stairs. An uphill struggle? She wasn't wrong and she was forearming me. At first I saw it as a warning that someone in my life was in danger. After making lots of phone calls to friends and family which I can tell you did nothing to help any political aspirations (were I to have them) it later transpired that it was ME who was in danger. It wasn't long afterward the truth of a foul and huge deceit against me and on the part of someone whose trust and respect I should never have had to doubt came to light. One day I will go into the sordid details but that day is not today. Just to say that the awful dread is here again and frankly I'm concerned....so far no message from the other side and truth be told I take comfort in that. I'm hoping this time around, it's simply the build up of strain caused by 1.) the uncertainty at work and 2.) the inconvenience of builders in the house - which prevents me from doing as much yoga as I'd like. Thankfully this time around I have demanded clarity from the situation, including a frank conversation with myself people close to me with the power to pull punches that would hurt. I'm satisfied for now that nothing potentially soul-destroying is taking place. So, its time for a walk, perchance a run. The answers come to a quiet mind.
