Mrs Big

I'm really important

It appears I've, what d'ya-ma-call-it...made it.  This only dawned on me this past week when I was allowed to make an autonomous decision to go to one of our offices in Germany for the purpose of  making friends and influencing people.  I felt very grown up.  Middle management no more!  I'm upper middle management now if you please...and I don't mind if I do.

Actually, it's a bit like childbirth, this authority thing.  If I'd known in advance how hard it might get, I'd likely not dare try it.  Luckily, I had no idea at all that this role would turn out to be as high powered.  I knew it was a big role - global in scale - but being a multi-linguist type, I've always had these broader scope roles and I was always a cog in a wheel in that sense.  I've never knocked it but today I find myself being more of a crane operator and I don't mind telling you that I totally feel the weight of responsibility.   At the same time, I do understand the reality of my situation which succinctly put could be explained as follows: 'if not now, when?'  

And perhaps truth be told, I just underestimated my previous worth - a common characteristic among female would-be leaders.

I'm under no illusion that as a woman - I've got possibly this and one other 'big' role left in me before I hit an age when employers see me as dead (expensive) wood.  So I'm going to make the most of my time now, because once I hit 58 (tops) I'll be lucky to have a job stacking shelves at a superstore and the worst of it is given today's economic climate, unless I make sure I am mortgage free - I'd better have that job at that superstore.

But of course there is another way.  I'm not banking on winning the lottery - though I do of course play a line every week -  I'm talking about not viewing life as something I have to tackle on my own.  I've talked about how there is life after divorce - I want you all to know, there really is and it is at times and often better than life before divorce though that is not of course to encourage this trajectory if a relationship is after careful deliberation considered retrievable.  It also doesn't mean that you magically erase memories and feelings of what was, what you hoped could have been.  There is no shame in regretting the end of a big love.  I do often and regularly find myself melancholically remembering the good times - wishing there could have been more - knowing in my heart that no-one will ever replace that person and that nothing will ever be the same or have quite the same impact on me but as my guru in the Sivananda Ashram told me:  There is no point in dwelling on sad thoughts.  Think happy thoughts instead.  And you know what, he's absolutely right.

Plus, I'm a big advocate for not sacrificing the good for the great - but should the great come along, grab it with both hands and hold onto it for dear life.

This is my happy thought.  He's lovely and kind and who knows - maybe we can stack shelves together and maybe we won't need to.

Customer Service at HomeBase

In the words of Morrissey:

Good times for a change

See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want

Lord knows, it would be the first time

The Treacherous Approach to Retirement

Please like me

I start a new job tomorrow.  Securing this role required every imaginable effort beginning with well-formed narratives (no mean feat when you haven't had to interview in years) to character containment that only appears natural after hitting the very limit of mental and emotional fatigue - before which you just come across as a desperate mentalist.

Job seeking is not a new experience which is why the very thought of it brings with it a lurch deep inside the stomach that I'm sure is designed to ensure you never entertain the idea of changing employment lightly.  At best it's a steep learning curve and at worst it can be terrifically soul destroying but always, without exception, it is most definitely worth it.

As a younger woman I used to enjoy interviewing, excited by possibilities and naive to what amounted to everyday sexism or other forms of prejudice.  As you get older however, you're starkly aware of the gender-based preconceptions that precede you, which can make the undertaking that much more nerve janglingly frustrating.

Countdown to the pension

These days, I feel in many ways that I am at the start of the end of my career runway, gradually taxi-ing towards V1 - the 'commit to fly' speed - when I will eventually lift off towards my last job before I can consider taking it all down a notch and by that I really just mean downsizing everything in my life such that I don't need 'the big job' any more.  Of course I will always want 'a job' but eventually I can see myself being perfectly happy with a shop job for pin money so to speak.  Actually I'd quite like to work in a country pub.

Well, let's just make it to old age first, shall we?

Village Libido

Similarly, I may end up being a lawyer or teacher. Who the heck knows.  I will also of course be living in Dibley with my lover.  I understand the country air and general lack of distraction keeps the libido alive. I'm definitely up for testing that theory out afterall I wouldn't want to end up like Benjamin Britten who when asked if he had any regrets in life stated that he wished he'd 'had more sex'.

I don't...yet...

So my big plan for 2018 is taking shape.  The new job was the first step with a move to the country coming up the inside lane but that is for 'my next trick' and then it seems making sure I take a libidinous paramour.  I've also given some thought to perhaps becoming a wife again however until the idea stops making me feel queasy I imagine it's better to suppress the urge.  In this sense, I'm still of the mind that life is way too short.


However in the life plan sense, there is time for everything.  Here goes nothing!