Mrs Big

I'm really important

It appears I've, what d'ya-ma-call-it...made it.  This only dawned on me this past week when I was allowed to make an autonomous decision to go to one of our offices in Germany for the purpose of  making friends and influencing people.  I felt very grown up.  Middle management no more!  I'm upper middle management now if you please...and I don't mind if I do.

Actually, it's a bit like childbirth, this authority thing.  If I'd known in advance how hard it might get, I'd likely not dare try it.  Luckily, I had no idea at all that this role would turn out to be as high powered.  I knew it was a big role - global in scale - but being a multi-linguist type, I've always had these broader scope roles and I was always a cog in a wheel in that sense.  I've never knocked it but today I find myself being more of a crane operator and I don't mind telling you that I totally feel the weight of responsibility.   At the same time, I do understand the reality of my situation which succinctly put could be explained as follows: 'if not now, when?'  

And perhaps truth be told, I just underestimated my previous worth - a common characteristic among female would-be leaders.

I'm under no illusion that as a woman - I've got possibly this and one other 'big' role left in me before I hit an age when employers see me as dead (expensive) wood.  So I'm going to make the most of my time now, because once I hit 58 (tops) I'll be lucky to have a job stacking shelves at a superstore and the worst of it is given today's economic climate, unless I make sure I am mortgage free - I'd better have that job at that superstore.

But of course there is another way.  I'm not banking on winning the lottery - though I do of course play a line every week -  I'm talking about not viewing life as something I have to tackle on my own.  I've talked about how there is life after divorce - I want you all to know, there really is and it is at times and often better than life before divorce though that is not of course to encourage this trajectory if a relationship is after careful deliberation considered retrievable.  It also doesn't mean that you magically erase memories and feelings of what was, what you hoped could have been.  There is no shame in regretting the end of a big love.  I do often and regularly find myself melancholically remembering the good times - wishing there could have been more - knowing in my heart that no-one will ever replace that person and that nothing will ever be the same or have quite the same impact on me but as my guru in the Sivananda Ashram told me:  There is no point in dwelling on sad thoughts.  Think happy thoughts instead.  And you know what, he's absolutely right.

Plus, I'm a big advocate for not sacrificing the good for the great - but should the great come along, grab it with both hands and hold onto it for dear life.

This is my happy thought.  He's lovely and kind and who knows - maybe we can stack shelves together and maybe we won't need to.

Customer Service at HomeBase

In the words of Morrissey:

Good times for a change

See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want

Lord knows, it would be the first time