The Scrapbook of 'Cringe'

It would be criminal not to share this with you.  I'm sure you've had your fill of maudlin this week - I know I have. For every low, a high must be found.  And this is mine: I laughed like a drain at this article in The Times Newspaper. 

An American author and one time teenage diarist, Sarah Brown (weren't we all) decided to host a spoken word night called "Cringe" in which friends and strangers volunteered to read aloud from their teenage diaries, journals, notes, letters, poems, abandoned rock operas and other representations of the misery of their adolescence.  Her advice to people who were unsure as to what to read?  Pick the excerpt that physically makes you cringe, preferably the one that makes you think, “I can’t read that part”.

Cheaper and better than therapy, below are a selection of thoughts committed to paper on "toe-curling crushes, youthful angst, feuds with parents, and all manner of secrets entrusted to a teenager’s best friend: a diary". Enjoy these most cringe-worthy excerpts of some brave, brave individuals.

Alex Frith (16) Wednesday, March 27

I just saw myself in the mirror & thought I looked like Jesus. That’s just going too far. It’s this loose sweatshirt I’m wearing. Too white + comfortable + of course my rather dismal chin hair.

Pip Hawkes (14) Wednesday, October 19, 1988

I’ve made a real mess of my hair! On Thursday (nearly 2 weeks ago) I shaved a HUGE patch behind and above my ear – also I cut a VERY big chunk off the top of my head so I now have a short, spiky tuft! I also cut off the other ear lots of short bits and the most noticeable thing is this chunk out of the back. When you walk past people — they sometimes stare! Although I quite enjoy the attention — I want people to think I’m strange! And to respect me for it — most people in my class respect me for it — in fact they wholly encourage it! I wish to be a mongrel — a mix between these 4 groups, a punk, goths, trendies and my normally weird self. By ‘trendy’ I mean cycling shorts etc. I deeply admire punks and goths! I like the punk image but a gothic personality.

I’ve just decided —– well — not decided — but found out — I’m nihilistic! God – Dad’s just come in and told me to tidy my room — it is BLOODY TIDY!! He must have had a bad day at work — WANKER.

Jo Wickham (15) August 20, 1997

I hate Mum. She said I can’t have a coat as I still fit in my old one. I’m gonna feel like a prick if I wear a coat everyone was wearing last year. She’s such a bitch. It doesn’t cost that much and I need a coat. She’s such a slapper. She’s only doing it coz I get most things I want so she wants to say no, so I’m not spoilt. She’s such a bitch. And I’ve lost my keys and she’ll have an eppy if she finds out. Oh I hate her and I hate myself for losing them. God I’m pissed off — I know it’s only keys but if I’ve lost them I’ll go mad — I hate losing things but I do a lot. Oh I’m soo mad.

Stuart Bridgett (sixth former) July 14, 1997

OK. The evening started well. I had too much to drink…Dave asked me the question, “who do you fancy?” I said, to quote, “Well, up until two or three weeks ago I fancied Juliette Sharpe like crazy,” (True.) “Then I went away to Loughborough and fancied Julia Middleton.” (True.) “And I attained her” (False.) “Honestly, I was amazing that night. You know your counting ability is severely reduced in the hours of the morning – I lost count of the amount of orgasms she had.” (FALSER THAN A GROUCHO MARX MOUSTACHE AND GLASSES DISGUISE). Conversation slowly got started again. Uhnh. Ugh. AAAAAGH! OK – soon time to go – catch bus. Vomit. Get home. Vomit again. Go upstairs. Vomit again. (Probably embarrassment, not alcohol, induced.) Sleep. Wake up without a hangover, thank god.

Nathan Gunter (15) Sunday, March 17, 1996

I know it seems like regression, or simple confusion, but I’m starting to feel more than acquaintance for Jarrett. I don’t know what it is – homosexual attraction? All I know is that: 1.) I’m not feeling it much for Ashlee any more, and 2.) I really like Jarrett, in more ways than one. I am very confused. Extremely. “Every time I look at you I Go Blind” I’ve been listening to the Friends soundtrack, and in songs like “I Go Blind,” by Hootie and the Blowfish, “Good Intentions” by Toad the Wet Sprocket, and especially “Sexuality” by KD Lang I find my feelings about Jarrett and homosexuality in general mirrored. I wish one of these damn markers was a question mark. I’d decorate the whole damn page with it.

Helena Burton (15) January 15, 1991

By the way, Lucy is a bigger slag than I am. She got 17 votes for slag of the year. I only got 16. My Dad normally gives me a lift to school in the car, but he makes me sit in the back which is really embarrassing. So I told him I needed a change and I’d rather walk. Now he’s going to walk with me! So I’m going to try and get up before he gets up and go without him. I don’t expect Mum will let me though.

. . . Mark said I had big knockers today, which isn’t strictly true, but is a lovely compliment anyway.

March 2, 1991

I didn’t get to school in time this morning so I didn’t bother turning up. I really hate my parents, I honestly wish I was an orphan. Maybe I’ll murder them. I want some ice cream.

Alice Green (15) June 11, 1990

Reasons i hate my life
Home: Not allowed to use phone for 1 week. Parents virtually chain me to my room. Keep having massive arguments. Everyone picks on me all the time. No freedom. No harmony. Everyone hates everyone else (bad undercurrents). Not allowed to stay out late. Not allowed to use phone after 9.30pm. Work – Tiring and boring. Keep getting in trouble. Badly paid.

Friends: Paranoid about Tom In love with Barry (huge mistake). Not allowed to see Andy hardly ever. Vast numbers of people don’t like me. Haven’t seen anyone but Tom + Lee-Anne for weeks Louise has moved to Australia leaving me best-friend-less.

Church: Don’t want to get confirmed. Don’t like people much anymore. Don’t ENJOY going at all now.

Other: Work experience is such a pain. Parents are so unreasonable. Life is disorganized. I’m far too immature. I’m too fat! Keep being called a goth. Never got any money. Tired all the time. Bunk a lot now. Smoke quite a lot. Started drinking regularly. Keep on crying all the time.

Solution = Commit suicide

Andy Foster (15) Sunday, February 23 [after church youth club]

There was no push away when I put my arm around her. But ahhhh I didn’t get a kiss off Gemma at the end because I was on bicycle and couldn’t get off in time before she’d disappeared

Extracted from Cringe: Toe-Curlingly Embarrassing Teenage Diaries, Letters and Bad Poetry by Sarah Brown