Something very strange is happening, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to explain it but I'll give it a shot. It's partly like trying to remember a dream that dissolves as fast as you can wake up; disappearing like an effervescent tablet in water right before your mind's eye. That is my problem at the moment - I am unable to properly capture the thought long enough to explain it.
On the other hand it could just be a circle that hasn't quite closed. It all has to do with the realization that I don't feel the need to run away any more. To put context around this, I've come to the irritating conclusion that the more I've run, the further away I've been getting from an answer, the secret. To what? Well to finding peace of mind, happiness if you will - no that's too strong a word - contentedness, yes - that's far more achievable.
Trouble is this realization isn't much use when I'm 5000 miles from where I started. I'm talking geographically. I hate to say it but I'm obsessed again by the idea of going home to the UK. The difference this time is that I'm ready to commit to a long term relationship - with myself. You know accept things as they are and as they will always be.
The decision to come to Canada was made in 30 seconds, between a sip of wine and a flick of the wrist. Just like that. I kid you not. I put no more thought into it than that. Then it just became a game. I recently made the connection between my habit of taking serious life decisions based on little more than a whim to having lost my mum at a vulnerable age - not yet an adult but no longer a child, I was in that twilight zone where people don't really know whether to adopt you or put you to work.
As a result my life can be evaluated in 2 year cycles. No job or relationship ever made it past the 2 year itch until recently. And now I just don't have that luxury of turning on a dime, for lots of reasons but namely because moving here, much to my surprise was actually a gargantuan task which will not be easily undone.
But undone it will be. Except this time, I'm finally going to be strategic, you know, serious about something that matters.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I've realized that the grass is not greener because it' s not about the grass it's about you and your relationship with yourself. None of these crazy escapades ever made me happier, or more to the point brought my mum back. Finally, I get it.
Guess, I'm finally on my way to finding peace of mind though I'm not there yet. And with that the thought floats away and I find myself just living. Is this what acceptance feels like?
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