The Certainty of Uncertainty

It's remarkable really that I should be so badly injured when it is I that begins every yoga class listing contra- indications and reinforcing the importance of never pushing past your limit.  Yoga is not aerobics I tell yoginis.  Yoga should be effortless - though done with effort (reassuringly mystical, I think you'll agree).  So you can imagine my frustration that 4 weeks after noticing the first symptoms of what I at first self diagnosed as rotator cuff issues,  I am now having to teach through the cosy cocoon of codeine, entirely unsure of what it is that is wrong.  Actually, let me clarify before I continue, I'm not having to do anything - it brings me immeasurable joy to teach yoga, painfully or otherwise.  Being spiritually inclined (you may have noticed) I truly believe that illness, unexplained or sudden onset of pain is a physical manifestation of something that began in the emotional realm.  And as the lucky recipient of the best psycho-therapy private medical can buy, I no longer have to rely just on the spiritual to understand (as opposed to have to trust - the spiritual is entirely founded on faith and trust) what could be at the root of it all.  In this case, after soothing silence of meditation, the answer came.  I am carrying the weight of the world around - a.k.a the stress of the uncertain.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my role where I work is currently at risk after a company reshuffle.  On it's own it really is no biggie - I know I can get a PR job without too much fuss if I had to.  No it wasn't just that.  Digging a little deeper I came to see that I'm also holding onto the pressure of general uncertainty.  What will I really do if I'm made redundant next week?  Do I stay in PR or do I go?  Do I throw myself into my passion and start working for myself?  And I have to be honest, I was worried The Silverback was having a mid-life wobble and could be "given to fly".  I made the mistake of putting on a brave face instead of bravely facing these uncertainties.  So for the past month, I've had the most excruciating pain running from the deepest part of my right shoulder girdle to the tips of my fingers on my right side.  I know the pressure points so the little muscle on the side body about 4 fingers down from your armpit was also very very sore.  Try it. Find that little knot of "muscle" on top of the first side rib and press...if it's sore...know that it's not muscle, it's pressure and you are not dealing with  external stress triggers properly (well that and that you're probably using your smartphone too much!!).

This absorbed, I took myself off for my weekly Jivamukti class - it's the only class per week I do that I'm not also teaching and braced myself for the almost intolerable pain in my right shoulder (tut tut - rule breaker that I am) when....nothing.  No shoulder or heart opening pose, no inversion could bring that now familiar sharp jabbing.  I even managed a forearm stand - which I can tell you is like opening up the patio doors for your shoulders.  Nothing.  I came home on a bit of a high but I am a seeker by nature.  I could have just blissfully accepted this and you know I really have but I like a side of insight with my epiphanies.  And then the penny finally dropped last night.  As I emptied a whole wall of books in preparation for a load of building work (yep, then there was the building work) and aware that school started again for kids (my kid) on Monday after 2 weeks off for Easter, I saw that my issue was I was not OK with uncertainty.  But here is the ridiculous thing about that:  uncertainty is the only certainty there is.  Giving myself permission to be OK with this finally released me.