It's not a tumour

When I took this job in PR, I did not set out to 'have it all' and I was hoping that I would be able to strike such a balance whereby any guilt felt around having gone back to work fulltime would be balanced out by careful planning and cunning delegation of family and household chores at the weekend.  Of course, the reality is much much messier in the way afterbirth is messy.  But like afterbirth, it's also necessary. I suppose every difficult transition is going to hurt (and gross you out) a little bit - well a lot actually.  It hurts so much I've had a permanent headache since January 4th but I've figured out one thing at least:  It's not a tumour.

On a less comforting note, I have realised that this seemingly permanent migraine (with worrying accompanying pain down the left side of my body) is very much stress-related and has so far required a medicine cabinet full of pills and potions to tame.  Nice as a handful of panadol and codeine feels, the answer to stress will not be found in the medicine cabinet.  Instead, I think it's a question of discipline, honesty and COJONES to do what you have to do to get through.  For me the solution came in the form of two things - a teeny tiny nervous breakdown this weekend and calling a spade a MOFOING spade.

So if people are asking too much of you, if someone isn't pulling their weight, if a child is just being lazy, trying to keep calm and carry on like it's nothing but a thing is dumb.  Also, it won't work.  This is the shortest route to an early grave and ain't no-one gonna thank you for dying on them before they are ready.  I should know.

So here is what I've realised.  Keep calm by all means, I mean there is no need to spaz out about anything really but DO NOT CARRY ON.  No sir.  So today, after some serious Ohmming into the fresh sunshine whilst out with The Lish at the Princess Diana Memorial Park I resolved to do a couple of things:  Ask for help where I need it (both at work and at home) and book a freaking holiday.  No apologies.  And accept that right now: It is what it is, my dear friends.  No apologies. None.

So I'm off to Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands for a Yoga/meditation retreat in April.  Alone.  Well not alone there will be others there but I mean, 'sans famille'.  The Lish meanwhile will be going to Canada with her father to visit her auntie who will have recently had a baby.   I don't do Canada in April.

This is healthy. For everyone involved. I'll make it up to The Lish in the summer.

But for now, I just need to make it up to me.