Drag

I should know better than to eavesdrop when I’m in a cynical mood. Actually if I were to re-interpret that statement as my true cynical self, what I mean is that I was quietly minding my own business reading my notes for a yoga exam at well known chain of coffee shops, when wide-face ugly blonde biddy man (biddy – because he was all of 30 but sitting, no not sitting, indulging in a round -shouldered natter with his mum and nan; trust me it’s not attractive) getting all hot under what he clearly wished was a pre-menstrual collar and loudly declaring: She could have anyone she wants.


I assume we are referring to Megan Fox. No? Well then I’m thinking you’ve taken a little bit more than your daily allowance of poetic license here. Let’s stop there for a second and think a bit more about this sentence. She could have anyone she wants. Uh huh. Question: Is she related to you? Does she share any of your wide features? Because if she does.... I mean, Angelina Jolie (at a stretch- lots of men just don’t want the drama) can probably have any man or woman she wants. That would be an accurate use of this phrase. Hell, Heidi Spencer from The Hills could probably get any man in the Bible belt (at the very least) that she wanted but apparently not Lauren Conran because she allegedly has fat beef curtains. How unsavoury. My point being that men are quite picky; so I think, in conclusion, my wide-faced knitting jockey – she is probably with the person she currently deserves to be with. I really wish you wouldn’t exaggerate like this when I’m trying to concentrate.

I’m half way through a sentence I’ve had 16 aborted attempts at reading when creepy looking hermaphrodite enters. Grateful for the distraction from wide-face biddy boy, but inwardly irritated at another interruption to my study time, I’m wondering whether I haven’t accidently walked into a oestrogen flashback dream given that I’m so short of it at the moment. Can this person be real? How to describe him/her...Ok – take Dog from Bounty Dog fame, exactly as he is but soften his beard from stubble to fluff; touch of rouge on his cheeks and pretty much you have yourself a police drawing of the suspect.

At that point, I fear I lose my appetite and decide to cut my losses. Honestly, I just can’t be with myself on days like this. Now to study for I must passeth this exam if I’m ever going to get back on the career track again.