Stop Me if You Think You've Heard This Before

I’m having one of those sunny rainy days, emotionally speaking. My mental resolve is crumbling. Tell tale signs include the gnawing of nails to the 2nd layer of the epidermis; craving wine and sweets and coffee and chocolate (all in the same sitting) and the foulest of foul potty mouths when driving. I’m seeing black again and I’m finding it hard not to pin hopes on projected outcomes of events and undertakings that have not yet happened. I’m picking fights and brushing a thick veneer of ‘bad’ onto everything and everyone. I’m also making huge assumptions and I can’t stop myself at the moment. And yet I’m also happy (my version of it anyway).


Truth is I’m short on oestrogen and sinking in the PMS quick sands. Still at least these days this mood only lasts a week, though I count weeks in Roman numerals so actually my week lasts 21 days. I have a friend who is living in his own version of Dante’s Hell in Germany who assures me he’s only ever known me to have one good week every other month. I’m totally expecting to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder or at least manic depression one day in my 60s during a routine flu vaccination and think...OH so that’s why....

This month’s bout of the blues brings with it disillusionment with the teachings of the Dalai Lama!! (How rational of me). What I’m reading is that happiness comes when you live in a detached bubble of ‘now’. Attach no meaning or emotion to anything and you’ll be fine but at the same time be compassionate and loving. I admit my interpretation might be affected slightly by the fact that I have a very disturbed mind but you know, I’ve been watching life from afar now for quite some time and that just doesn’t add up.

So let me see if I have this straight: sit still, do and feel nothing and get someone to feed you through a nose tube (and don’t forget to be grateful) and you’ll be happier than a vial of blood dangling down Angelina Jolie’s cleavage.

I think I’m going to put today safely away before someone gets offended. Tomorrow is another day, another test. I’m going to have to ride this one out. If you see me in the street – run.