A lot to Answer For

Last night, I, yes me, renowned hermit, Canada reject and committed social degenerate attended a house party thrown in honour of the Yoga Class of 2010 (I promise I will stop harping on about this very soon) by the very talented and alluring Anatomy teacher and...what can I say - I had an excellent time. 

She lives in an amazing house near Casa Loma in Toronto and many might actually mistake it for Casa Loma, if you didn't know what you were looking for (the one-way system doesn't help).  I'm staring at the temperature gauge in the car and it's telling me it's minus 13 outside and I'm thinking yeah right, like you don't know Mr. Wind Chill - that sneaky bastard. I feel a tug at my sleeve, it's my recluse self, saying, 'oh, this is terrible, let's go home' but the fun seeker in me said, 'No! F- off you recluse muppet! keep going!'  Finally after driving through the weather equivalent of Pre-Menstrual Tension - one minute diagonal and blinding sleet swirling so ferociously around the car I half expect to take off and the next vertical winds that could bend a lampost to sudden stillness;  biting cold serenity - I pulled into her drive. 

I'm so glad I did.

Stepping into a house full of famliar faces who have shared with me a meaningful experience - all happy to see me, well I felt like Norm walking into Cheers - I just hope I didn't look like him. 

I was engaging and engaged (though I suck at Taboo) and found myself able to carry a conversation with sincerity - no need for small talk.  I felt really comfortable; I felt almost like my old self.

Could this mean I've found my mojo? Actually, I think it was more a case of  mojo finding me.  To its credit , it patiently waiting for me to emerge from the suburban basement. If I wasn't 4 weeks from leaving, I'd have to say that in the words of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, 'life found a way'.  The friend pyramid had started taking shape.  Of course my timing is impeccable.

I felt the spark of something sustainable fizzle over pot luck dinner and bubbly and as I turned left onto Spadina at 2am, after a night filled with love, light and laughter, I felt that same spark snuff out to release a wisp of grey smoke. Happy to have had that one taste of belonging in a place where I have for so long felt like the 5th wheel, I was overjoyed at the release and the realisation that...well, if it can happen here, everything will be okay wherever I end up and this time, I know what to do.  I also felt intensely sad.

Yes, I've wanted to go home for a long time and that hasn't changed.  It sort of can't and it's not because I've decided I want to stay, because I don't, there remains a lot that doesn't work for me here (from a practical perspective) to justify that decision, but I don't blame Canada anymore.  Therein lies the most enormous learning.

My job now is to make me work in London and London work for me and my family - especially my family - in a way that I wasn't enabling before.  I lost my way a long time ago and I realise now that my experience in Canada had to be such in order that I find my barings again.  No more 2 year sabbaticals for this kid...of which I've already had too many.

Yep, I've got a lot to answer for...but life's been a real trip so far - I look forward to the next leg.